saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
