My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
