y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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