And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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