I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
