Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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