mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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