And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
