i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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