You smell like a Billy Joel song
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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