I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
