Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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