Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize