So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
