i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
