This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
