she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
