He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
