we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
