3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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