Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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