Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how drunk are you?
Several
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
