i permit you to call me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
