Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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