dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
