At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
