Can i not drive my cunt home
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
