I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
