I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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