My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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