Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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