"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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