i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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