We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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