I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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