Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
time to smoke my breakfast
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize