Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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