These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
