So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
