"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sext me about skeletons
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
