Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
