it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
