some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize