me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
