I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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