fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
