Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She announced her abortion via fbk
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
