Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
