Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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