...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
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