the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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