Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
