Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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