Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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