do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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