Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
